"I know it sounds bad, but whenever I wear these gloves, I feel like I'm going to commit a crime."
- Peter

Matt: "I asked my wife for an ice fishing tent for Christmas."
Derek: "You do a lot of ice fishing?"
Matt: "No, I just want my own quiet spot in the backyard."

"Don't count your chickens before they hatch. More like don't hatch your chickens before you count the number of stalls."
- Troy

"I'm kinda proud of the fact that I hate my car."
- Matt H.

"I prefer to cyber-stalk, but that's just me."
- Derek

"I still have all this meat to eat."
- Justin H.

"I got drunk off her breath."
- Troy

"Hand farts are the best. They don't smell!"
- Troy

"In that case, I'd be married to girls."
- Tiffany

"I'll find somebody to watch it with me, and sleep with me."
- Tiffany

"I come to work to forget my feelings and to hurt other people's feelings. That's how I get through my day. It's been working for me."
- Troy

"I'm going to tie you down with chains to your chair."
- Tiffany

"If you look at someone's elbow, you never miss."
- Tiffany

"He listed off all of the guy Christmas movies -- you know, the ones where people are dying but it's snowing, so it's a Christmas movie."
- Tiffany

"He listed off all of the guy Christmas movies -- you know, the ones where people are dying but it's snowing, so it's a Christmas movie."
- Tiffany

"You know, I really shouldn't talk bad about those idiots."
- Matt H.

"I've never kissed a horse on the lips."
- Tiffany

"Surprisingly, he came off as a smart person, despite his bad hair."
- Peter

"There are many things you do each day, like putting on your glasses, stapling, etc. and there is a cool and an uncool way to do each of those things."
- Troy

"Got any brewskies in here? What is this? Root beer!? Come on!"
- Troy

"Yes, you can use me shamelessly."
- Tiffany

"I figured it was time to get a haircut when Tyler was calling me a leprechaun."
- Mike

"Overweight = self reliance. It's my 72-hour kit."
- Scott

Lukas: "Scott, do you play the accordion?"
Scott: "I can barely play the radio!"

"Physically, I feel my age. Mentally, I feel about 21. But my maturity level is about 12."
- Scott

"You don't want to give up your baby, even if it should be shot in the head."
- Don

"I always enjoy Bruno's visits."
- Justin H.

Justin H.: "You want to learn some three-letter words? Play Boggle."
Eric N.: "I know my four-letter words. I say them all the time when I play this game."

"Does anyone know a good assassin?"
- Erik B.

"It's been awhile since you've gone..."
- Lukas

"Well, I went from 3 Mountain Dews yesterday..."
- Derek

"You can have it back when you can prove that you've matured."
- Derek

"If you want to spend a lifetime in fire and damnation, go buy an Android phone."
- Eric N.

"It's called a covered wagon. It's grounds for divorce in my home."
- Eric N.

"Why do you have pictures of my children on your phone?"
- Eric N.

Justin H.: "You want to learn some three-letter words? Play Boggle."
Eric N.: "I know my four-letter words. I say them all the time when I play this game."

"Any movie with monkeys, Gollum, or Klingons - that's gonna be a good movie."
- Troy

"<Anonymous County> is a thick booger I can't flick off."
- Troy

"It's always more fun to make fun of somebody when they're doing something nice for you."
- Troy

"I can't wait to be pulled into a dark room."
- Troy

"I was going through Mom's money..."
- Troy

"W-T-Freak is going on?"
- Troy

"Did you tingley?"
- Troy

"That tells us one thing: We need to get out of this business and into the wheelbarrow business."
- Troy

"Look! This has Justin Earl's nickname on it: Chunky White."
- Troy

"Scott, do you have any scabs?"
- Troy

"Float to the bottom."
- Tiffany

"My foot is going to spread to my heart."
- Tiffany

"I will pull each of you into a dark room."
- Tiffany

"I had pet slugs for awhile. I killed them all."
- Tiffany

"I think that the person who is winning at Scramble (sic)... I mean Wordferd (sic)... I mean Wordfeud... should do it."
- Tiffany

"I don't want cats. I want a husband."
- Tiffany

"Doesn't Eric Clapton sign Stairway to Heaven?"
- Tiffany

"If everybody just pitches in one dollar, the could just buy me a boyfriend."
- Tiffany

"I'm lower than you think I am."
- Tiffany

"Is your brother single?"
- Tiffany