Mark L.: "Looks like Matthew is still looking for the match for his screw, so if anyone has a nut out there...."

Troy: "Oh, we've got one...."

Troy: "Hey, I'm heading over to Kneaders. Knead anything?"
Lukas; "I'm good, thanks. Tell the ladies I said Hi."
Troy: "Yeah, I would have gone earlier, but it was estrogen hour."
Lukas: "Well, try not to catch too much, you know, ..."
Troy: "Estrogen? Yeah, I wouldn't want to come back with a limp wrist."

"I might have accidentally butt-video-called you last night, Lukas."
- Troy

Tyler D.: (Speaking of a Troy neck hair) "Is that one attached? Yeah, it's attached. I won't pull it."
Troy: "Are you talking about my hair? My manliness? Whoa, that is a long one. I could fish with that one."

"We know we're the eye candy of the office."
- Troy

High School Metaphors

Zach: He wanted to yell at her so badly but couldn't bring himself to do it like a mute with Tourette’s syndrome..

Zach: He was a real square and incredibly dumb like a cubic rock.

Zach: He was bad at making metaphors like a person trying to make a metaphor but accidentally using the word "like"

Zach: His new year's resolution was clear and highly defined like a 1,920x1,080 TV

Troy: Zach was as excited about writing metaphors as Monica Lewinski was when she first discovered the fashion gravitas of wearing a beret.

Troy: He became as indecisive as a door handle greased with Vapor Rub, but without the lingering "cool" sensation.

Troy: His Indian accent was thick like two parts corn starch and one part water, with a dash of curry to make it sound more Hindu.

Zach: He was as capricious as the non-metaphorical woman during her "time of the month"

Troy: Her eyes were sharp as a knife, but her mind was more like the opposite of the sharpness of a knife, or her eyes.

Zach: He was as waggish as a co-worker attempting to make humorous metaphors and/or similes

Zach: His running while having a cold got him bent all out of sorts and upside down. His nose ran and his feet smelled.

Zach: He was as smart as wink and as quick as tack

Troy: He was as optimistic as a guy expecting his picture to be next to a word, like "optimistic", in the dictionary.

Troy: His enthusiasm was matched only by something about the same degree.

Zach: He was as sharp as a song about old cheddar written in C# major

Troy: He woke up like he had been shocked by 30 amps, but actually it was literally 29 amps.

Zach: He got a kick out of her just the way a guy would get a kick out of a girl if he tried to get too fresh with her

Zach: He went completely postal like Amazon's delivery methods

Troy: His feet smelled like a dead raccoon if it had enormously large smelly feet.

Troy: His garden went to weed faster than Washington state, but he remained as gay as Vermont.

Troy: He started mixing metaphors like a woman preparing a cake but doesn't quite stick the landing.

Bret: "Newborn diapers are interesting."
Troy: "Oh, because of the meconium. It's the secret ingredient of gorilla glue."

(Troy and Heather talking about musical instruments.)
Troy: "Good thing she doesn't play the kaleidoscope."

I've beef in my teeth and it's causing me grief.
I'll stop eating meat and I'll turn a new leaf.
I'll change and be vegan and they'll call me chief
Cuz eating that meat is against my belief.
My teeth will be spotless. Oh what a relief.
My penance is long but my poem is brief.

Zach: "So Corey, did you order some blue BuckyBalls?"
Corey: "Yeah, I did."
Jonathan: "Corey, you're gonna have blue balls?"
Troy: "Come on, Jonathan! HR Violation!"
Jonathan: "What!? It was just hanging there."

"I manscaped my hair for you guys today. Extra fluffy."
- Troy

Heather: "If I work from home, I still have to keep my dog outside. He knows I'm home, so he just whines the whole day."
Troy: "That's just like my wife."

"It's been a business doing pleasure with you."
- Troy

Heather: "When people are about to die, they smell lemons."
Troy: "Because they probably pee their pants."
Heather: "Umm, I don't what your pee smells like, but most people's pee does not smell like lemons."

Heather: "Troy, your door doesn't shut."
Troy: "Are you referring to my mouth?"