"I don't like having two ears."
- Ben

"I'm not looking for an estimate, I'm looking for a time frame."
- Dave S.

"I had a roommate once and we used to do the gay thing every once in a while. It drove my girlfriend crazy."
- Peter (while filing his nails)

Matt B.: "I had two cuties and an Asian pear."
Lukas: "Sounds like you and your wife have an open relationship."
Matt B.: "What, are you jealous?"
Zach: "I'm not a huge fan of pear-shaped women."

"I've been talking to you for five minutes and you've had your earplugs in the whole time?"
- Heather

"Only certain people could touch it if their blood print matched."

- Tiffany

Bret's Birthday Treat

Troy: "Hey, I'm heading over to Kneaders. Knead anything?"
Lukas; "I'm good, thanks. Tell the ladies I said Hi."
Troy: "Yeah, I would have gone earlier, but it was estrogen hour."
Lukas: "Well, try not to catch too much, you know, ..."
Troy: "Estrogen? Yeah, I wouldn't want to come back with a limp wrist."

"I might have accidentally butt-video-called you last night, Lukas."
- Troy

(After Bret explained meeting his wife through a mutual interest in astronomy)
Jonathan: "How long has it been since you 'showed her the stars'?"
Bret: "It's been quite awhile."

(Later, Bret, trying to explain himself)
Bret: "I was referring to my telescope!"
Lukas: "Is that what you call it?"

"Religion and personal life are two different things, but they can interlap."
- Heather

Lukas: "Heather, my wife was asking why you weren't at the party. I said, 'I'll give you one guess as to where she is.' She said, 'Something with dogs.'"
Troy: "Bingo! Or should I say, B, I, N-G-O!"

Tyler D.: (Speaking of a Troy neck hair) "Is that one attached? Yeah, it's attached. I won't pull it."
Troy: "Are you talking about my hair? My manliness? Whoa, that is a long one. I could fish with that one."

"That donut is burning a hole in my pocket."
- Aaron

"We don't follow Agile per Batim."
- Heather

"I keep on snorting fluffies."
- Zach

Chris: "Do you know what browser you're using?"
Customer: "I'm not sure. I think MSN."

Zach: "Let's make one of those birthday spanking tunnels."

Ben: "I think that was just your family."

"So we're doing this on Spudnik?" (Laughter) "OK, who here doesn't know I have a problem with pronounciation?"
- Tiffany

Eric N.: "Siri, remember to beat Lukas."
Siri: "OK, here's your reminder: 'Be Lucas'. Would you like me to create it?"
Lukas: "You can try, Eric. You can try."

"I got a cat because I wanted a second dog."
- Heather

Bret: "Lukas is going to streak across the company wearing one of the Degüello flags."

Lukas: "I'll need more than one."

Jonathan: "Let's be honest, one will be just fine."

"I don't put an 'N' in 'definitely'."
- Heather

"We know we're the eye candy of the office."
- Troy

"That's the last time his a** will kiss these lips."
- Tiffany

Heather: "I know that Abraham Franklin invented the light bulb."

Lukas: "Anything else you know about him? Anything to do with the constitution?"

Heather: "No that was Hancock."

"You can blow the wind." (Trying to say, "You can shoot the breeze.")
- Tiffany

"I won't change other children's diapers. I'll change my own, but not someone else's."
- Corey

"People breed them like they're candy."
- Heather

High School Metaphors

Zach: He wanted to yell at her so badly but couldn't bring himself to do it like a mute with Tourette’s syndrome..

Zach: He was a real square and incredibly dumb like a cubic rock.

Zach: He was bad at making metaphors like a person trying to make a metaphor but accidentally using the word "like"

Zach: His new year's resolution was clear and highly defined like a 1,920x1,080 TV

Troy: Zach was as excited about writing metaphors as Monica Lewinski was when she first discovered the fashion gravitas of wearing a beret.

Troy: He became as indecisive as a door handle greased with Vapor Rub, but without the lingering "cool" sensation.

Troy: His Indian accent was thick like two parts corn starch and one part water, with a dash of curry to make it sound more Hindu.

Zach: He was as capricious as the non-metaphorical woman during her "time of the month"

Troy: Her eyes were sharp as a knife, but her mind was more like the opposite of the sharpness of a knife, or her eyes.

Zach: He was as waggish as a co-worker attempting to make humorous metaphors and/or similes

Zach: His running while having a cold got him bent all out of sorts and upside down. His nose ran and his feet smelled.

Zach: He was as smart as wink and as quick as tack

Troy: He was as optimistic as a guy expecting his picture to be next to a word, like "optimistic", in the dictionary.

Troy: His enthusiasm was matched only by something about the same degree.

Zach: He was as sharp as a song about old cheddar written in C# major

Troy: He woke up like he had been shocked by 30 amps, but actually it was literally 29 amps.

Zach: He got a kick out of her just the way a guy would get a kick out of a girl if he tried to get too fresh with her

Zach: He went completely postal like Amazon's delivery methods

Troy: His feet smelled like a dead raccoon if it had enormously large smelly feet.

Troy: His garden went to weed faster than Washington state, but he remained as gay as Vermont.

Troy: He started mixing metaphors like a woman preparing a cake but doesn't quite stick the landing.

(Regarding diapers) "Ever try the dipstick method? You stick your finger in, and if it's about to the first knuckle, it's full."
- Troy

Bret: "Newborn diapers are interesting."
Troy: "Oh, because of the meconium. It's the secret ingredient of gorilla glue."

Tiffany: "I hope by Monday I still have my G."
Eric N.: "Your G?"
Tiffany: "Yeah, my job."

Careful, it's slick out there

(Troy and Heather talking about musical instruments.)
Troy: "Good thing she doesn't play the kaleidoscope."

"Geeze, Lukas, you're causing hectic!"
- Heather

"My sister left me an ineligible voicemail. I couldn't understand anything she said. . . . She just doesn't speak legibly any more."
- Heather