"I believe in you. I also believe in Santa."
- Zach

Lukas: "What do you think 'geep' means? Hint: it's like a liger."
Zach: "A geese and a sheep?"

Matt B.: "I had two cuties and an Asian pear."
Lukas: "Sounds like you and your wife have an open relationship."
Matt B.: "What, are you jealous?"
Zach: "I'm not a huge fan of pear-shaped women."

"I keep on snorting fluffies."
- Zach

Zach: "Let's make one of those birthday spanking tunnels."

Ben: "I think that was just your family."

High School Metaphors

Zach: He wanted to yell at her so badly but couldn't bring himself to do it like a mute with Tourette’s syndrome..

Zach: He was a real square and incredibly dumb like a cubic rock.

Zach: He was bad at making metaphors like a person trying to make a metaphor but accidentally using the word "like"

Zach: His new year's resolution was clear and highly defined like a 1,920x1,080 TV

Troy: Zach was as excited about writing metaphors as Monica Lewinski was when she first discovered the fashion gravitas of wearing a beret.

Troy: He became as indecisive as a door handle greased with Vapor Rub, but without the lingering "cool" sensation.

Troy: His Indian accent was thick like two parts corn starch and one part water, with a dash of curry to make it sound more Hindu.

Zach: He was as capricious as the non-metaphorical woman during her "time of the month"

Troy: Her eyes were sharp as a knife, but her mind was more like the opposite of the sharpness of a knife, or her eyes.

Zach: He was as waggish as a co-worker attempting to make humorous metaphors and/or similes

Zach: His running while having a cold got him bent all out of sorts and upside down. His nose ran and his feet smelled.

Zach: He was as smart as wink and as quick as tack

Troy: He was as optimistic as a guy expecting his picture to be next to a word, like "optimistic", in the dictionary.

Troy: His enthusiasm was matched only by something about the same degree.

Zach: He was as sharp as a song about old cheddar written in C# major

Troy: He woke up like he had been shocked by 30 amps, but actually it was literally 29 amps.

Zach: He got a kick out of her just the way a guy would get a kick out of a girl if he tried to get too fresh with her

Zach: He went completely postal like Amazon's delivery methods

Troy: His feet smelled like a dead raccoon if it had enormously large smelly feet.

Troy: His garden went to weed faster than Washington state, but he remained as gay as Vermont.

Troy: He started mixing metaphors like a woman preparing a cake but doesn't quite stick the landing.

Zach: "So Corey, did you order some blue BuckyBalls?"
Corey: "Yeah, I did."
Jonathan: "Corey, you're gonna have blue balls?"
Troy: "Come on, Jonathan! HR Violation!"
Jonathan: "What!? It was just hanging there."

Zach: "Uh-oh. I brought up politics. You aren't supposed to talk about that."
Heather: "I love talking about things you aren't supposed to talk about at work."

Talking about a color personality test.

Heather: "...so, I was red for dominant, and blue for caring..."

Justin H: "So really you should have been green."

Zach: "Yeah, you should have been green."

Heather: "O.o."

"I'm the man of pretty much every hour. Humility? Yeah, I've got it."
- Zach